BROWN, DARLING, AND A DOG

Gordon Brown called Alastair Darling into his office one day and said,

'Alastair , I have a great idea!? We are going to go all out to win back Middle England '.

'Good idea PM, how will we go about it?' Said Darling.

'Well' said Brown 'we'll get ourselves two of those long Barbour coats, some proper wellies, a stick and a flat cap, Oh and a Labrador . Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub, in Much Something or other and we'll show we really enjoy the countryside, .......... Oh! And remember not to mention the 'Hunting With Dogs' Act

'Right PM' said Darling. So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from London.

Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a lovely country pub and, with the dog, went in and up to the bar.

'Good evening Landlord, Two pints of your best ale, from the wood please' said Brown.

'Good evening, Prime Minister' Said the landlord, 'two pints of Best it is, coming up'

Brown & Darling stood leaning on the bar contemplating new taxes, nodding now and again to those who came in for a drink, whilst the dog lay quietly at their feet. As they drank their beer they chatted about how heart-rending it was that pensioners were being imprisoned for not paying the council tax.

All of a sudden the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the Labrador lifted its tail and  looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few moments later, in came a wizened farmer who followed the same procedure, to the bewilderment of Brown and Darling.

People of all ages and gender followed suit over the next hour.

Eventually, unable to stand it any longer, Darling called the landlord over.

'Tell me' Said Darling, 'Why did all those people come in and look under the dog's tail like that??? Is It an old country custom?

'Good Lord no,' Said the landlord. 'It's just that someone has told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two arseholes'

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

******************************************

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. Hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

******************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her chrome plated bathroom scales.

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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive, so I took her to a petrol station.

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office and she said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She was my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

*****************************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect!'

******************************************

---

The Day a Penis asked for a Raise

I, P Niss, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina

---

Professor at Glasgow University was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realising this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,  

'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied,  

"He's at IBROX watching RANGERS"!

---

Sadly, Michael Jackson has passed away after suffering a cardiac arrest ... which is quite a common cause of death … in fact ... I believe it would be difficult to die without suffering a cardiac arrest.
He will be recycled on Monday morning and melted down into Lego, so that kids can still play with his bits. They have had to cancel his London dates, John (8), Stephen (12), Alan (9) and they still don't know how he died, but I believe they are blaming it on the boogie.

Sorry, is it a bit too soon  for jokes? Not being weird or anything, but when exactly is it all good to crack jokes. Yes, i'm expecting a backlash, but I don't really care. You were all making jokes  the day before, hell, even 10 years before.

Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Little boy blue!
Little boy blue who?
Michael Jackson!!  

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with and the other you carry your groceries in!

Q: What's brown and in a baby's nappy?
A: Michael Jackson's hand!

Q: What famous celebrity had the most children over the last 10 years?
A: Michael Jackson.

He asked his wife's doctor how soon after the birth could he have sex.
The doctor told him he should wait until the kid is at least 12 or 13 years old.

BREAKING NEWS!

Casper the friendly ghost was raped in the early hours of this morning!

---

 
A big woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar in Stirling, Scotland.

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

At the end of the bar, was Peter, a skinny little man, who was VERY drunk. Peter slammed his hand on the bar and said, "Give that Ballerina a drink!"

Jock, the bartender, a close friend of Peter's poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned again to the patrons and pointed around at all of them, revealing her hairy armpit, and asked, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, Peter slapped his hand down on the bar and said, "Give that Ballerina another drink!"

Jock finally approached Peter and said, "Peter ma friend, I know it's your business, of course, if you want to buy that lady a drink, but how come you keep calling her a Ballerina?"

Peter replied, "Jock....to me, any woman who can lift her leg that high, got to be a Ballerina!!"

---

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.' Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, let's save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs...'

---

Barrack Obama is visiting a Glasgow hospital and he enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness. He greets one.

The patient replies: "Fair fa your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain o the puddin race, Aboon them a ye take yer place, Painch, tripe or thairm, As langs my airm."

Obama is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.

The next patient responds: "Some hae meat an canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat an we can eat, So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the President moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant: "Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty, O the panic in thy breasty, Thou needna start awa sae hastie, Wi bickering brattle"

Now very troubled, Obama turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, 'Is this a psychiatric ward?'

'No,' replies the doctor, 'this is the serious Burns unit.'

---

Bathnight 

A couple take on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but she could use a tin bath in front of the fire..... "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said. So the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday...

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair, and told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself."

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?""No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?""Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed off her hairy muff. When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked, "Did you see it?""Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours.""Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before." "I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!"  

---

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears.  'Promise me you won't tell me.'

Confused, the father asked what was wrong?

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.

If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really shag, I'll have nothing left to live for!'

---

A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with £10 notes.

He guesses there must be more than ten thousand £ in it.  He approaches the bartender and asks, 'What's with the money in the jar?'

'Well......you pay £10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.'

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.  And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'

'You must pay first..... Those are the rules,' says the bartender.

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender the £10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

'Okay,' the bartender says, 'Here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.

Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who has never had sex.... You have to take care of that problem!'

The man is stunned.  'I know I paid my £10, but I'm not an idiot!  I won't do it!  You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things...'

'Your call,' says the bartender..... 'But, your money stays where it is.'

As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says, 'Where's the damn tequila?'

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks ... but he doesn't make a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.  Soon the people inside the bar hear growling , biting, and screaming sounds... then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and he's bleeding all over his body.

He says,
'Now where's that old woman with the bad tooth?'

---

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'

'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift?'

'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back and they have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo.  They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble'

'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. 'What the heck are you doing here?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'

'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over --- so now we're going to Sea World.

---

The Tesco Doctor

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'

Listen mate; don't waste your time down at the surgery, Mike replies.

There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get ‘Clubcard' points'.

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks'.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen.

He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin. The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4) Your wife is pregnant, twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better....

Thank you for shopping at Tesco!

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