BROWN, DARLING, AND A DOG

Gordon Brown called Alastair Darling into his office one day and said,

'Alastair , I have a great idea!? We are going to go all out to win back Middle England '.

'Good idea PM, how will we go about it?' Said Darling.

'Well' said Brown 'we'll get ourselves two of those long Barbour coats, some proper wellies, a stick and a flat cap, Oh and a Labrador . Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub, in Much Something or other and we'll show we really enjoy the countryside, .......... Oh! And remember not to mention the 'Hunting With Dogs' Act

'Right PM' said Darling. So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from London.

Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a lovely country pub and, with the dog, went in and up to the bar.

'Good evening Landlord, Two pints of your best ale, from the wood please' said Brown.

'Good evening, Prime Minister' Said the landlord, 'two pints of Best it is, coming up'

Brown & Darling stood leaning on the bar contemplating new taxes, nodding now and again to those who came in for a drink, whilst the dog lay quietly at their feet. As they drank their beer they chatted about how heart-rending it was that pensioners were being imprisoned for not paying the council tax.

All of a sudden the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the Labrador lifted its tail and  looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few moments later, in came a wizened farmer who followed the same procedure, to the bewilderment of Brown and Darling.

People of all ages and gender followed suit over the next hour.

Eventually, unable to stand it any longer, Darling called the landlord over.

'Tell me' Said Darling, 'Why did all those people come in and look under the dog's tail like that??? Is It an old country custom?

'Good Lord no,' Said the landlord. 'It's just that someone has told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two arseholes'

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

******************************************

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. Hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

******************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her chrome plated bathroom scales.

******************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive, so I took her to a petrol station.

******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office and she said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She was my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

*****************************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect!'

******************************************

---

The Day a Penis asked for a Raise

I, P Niss, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina

---

Professor at Glasgow University was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realising this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,  

'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied,  

"He's at IBROX watching RANGERS"!

---

Sadly, Michael Jackson has passed away after suffering a cardiac arrest ... which is quite a common cause of death … in fact ... I believe it would be difficult to die without suffering a cardiac arrest.
He will be recycled on Monday morning and melted down into Lego, so that kids can still play with his bits. They have had to cancel his London dates, John (8), Stephen (12), Alan (9) and they still don't know how he died, but I believe they are blaming it on the boogie.

Sorry, is it a bit too soon  for jokes? Not being weird or anything, but when exactly is it all good to crack jokes. Yes, i'm expecting a backlash, but I don't really care. You were all making jokes  the day before, hell, even 10 years before.

Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Little boy blue!
Little boy blue who?
Michael Jackson!!  

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with and the other you carry your groceries in!

Q: What's brown and in a baby's nappy?
A: Michael Jackson's hand!

Q: What famous celebrity had the most children over the last 10 years?
A: Michael Jackson.

He asked his wife's doctor how soon after the birth could he have sex.
The doctor told him he should wait until the kid is at least 12 or 13 years old.

BREAKING NEWS!

Casper the friendly ghost was raped in the early hours of this morning!

---

 
A big woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar in Stirling, Scotland.

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

At the end of the bar, was Peter, a skinny little man, who was VERY drunk. Peter slammed his hand on the bar and said, "Give that Ballerina a drink!"

Jock, the bartender, a close friend of Peter's poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned again to the patrons and pointed around at all of them, revealing her hairy armpit, and asked, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, Peter slapped his hand down on the bar and said, "Give that Ballerina another drink!"

Jock finally approached Peter and said, "Peter ma friend, I know it's your business, of course, if you want to buy that lady a drink, but how come you keep calling her a Ballerina?"

Peter replied, "Jock....to me, any woman who can lift her leg that high, got to be a Ballerina!!"

---

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.' Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, let's save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs...'

---

Barrack Obama is visiting a Glasgow hospital and he enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness. He greets one.

The patient replies: "Fair fa your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain o the puddin race, Aboon them a ye take yer place, Painch, tripe or thairm, As langs my airm."

Obama is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.

The next patient responds: "Some hae meat an canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat an we can eat, So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the President moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant: "Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty, O the panic in thy breasty, Thou needna start awa sae hastie, Wi bickering brattle"

Now very troubled, Obama turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, 'Is this a psychiatric ward?'

'No,' replies the doctor, 'this is the serious Burns unit.'

---

Bathnight 

A couple take on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but she could use a tin bath in front of the fire..... "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said. So the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday...

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair, and told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself."

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?""No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?""Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed off her hairy muff. When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked, "Did you see it?""Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours.""Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before." "I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!"  

---

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears.  'Promise me you won't tell me.'

Confused, the father asked what was wrong?

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.

If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really shag, I'll have nothing left to live for!'

---

A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with £10 notes.

He guesses there must be more than ten thousand £ in it.  He approaches the bartender and asks, 'What's with the money in the jar?'

'Well......you pay £10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.'

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.  And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'

'You must pay first..... Those are the rules,' says the bartender.

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender the £10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

'Okay,' the bartender says, 'Here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.

Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who has never had sex.... You have to take care of that problem!'

The man is stunned.  'I know I paid my £10, but I'm not an idiot!  I won't do it!  You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things...'

'Your call,' says the bartender..... 'But, your money stays where it is.'

As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says, 'Where's the damn tequila?'

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks ... but he doesn't make a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.  Soon the people inside the bar hear growling , biting, and screaming sounds... then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and he's bleeding all over his body.

He says,
'Now where's that old woman with the bad tooth?'

---

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'

'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift?'

'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back and they have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo.  They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble'

'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. 'What the heck are you doing here?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'

'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over --- so now we're going to Sea World.

---

The Tesco Doctor

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'

Listen mate; don't waste your time down at the surgery, Mike replies.

There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get ‘Clubcard' points'.

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks'.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen.

He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin. The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4) Your wife is pregnant, twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better....

Thank you for shopping at Tesco!

---

Irish Coffee

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'

---

Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnnggg

‘Hello?'

'Hi honey this is Daddy, is Mommy near the phone?'

'No, Daddy, she's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'

Daddy says, 'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'

'Oh yes I do and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy right now.'

Brief Pause.

'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'

'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone and said, 'I did it, Daddy.'

'And what happened, honey?'

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!'**

'Oh my God!!!  What about your Uncle Paul?'**

'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'

****Long Pause****

Then Daddy says, 'Swimming pool? ........... Is this 486-5731?'

‘No, I think you have the wrong number.......'

---

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.  He had no arms and no legs.

Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said, 'Have you ever had a hug?'

The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'

The man said 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman walked over to him and whispered in his ear, 'Have you ever been f_ _ _ _d?'

The fellow looked up in amazement and a smile on his face and said, 'No.'

She said, "You will be when the tide comes in!"

---

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960, and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.

'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade or Iced tea?'

'Iced tea, please,' Fred said

Mom brought the iced tea.

'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.

'Oh, probably catch a movie and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach...'

'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mom informed him.

'Really!' Fred replied; eyebrows raised.

'Oh yes,' the mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!'

'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.

'Yes,' said the mother.

'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'

'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.

She greeted Fred.

'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

'The Twist, Mom!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen.

'The f****** dance is called the Twist!'

 

---

Body Statistics

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.

---

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me - her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations . She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bed room, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.' I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter . Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

It is best to always keep your condoms in the car.

---

A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.'

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said, 'Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.'

---

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

---

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.

He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: 'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk then leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders. Looks him square in the eyes and says....................

'Grandpa ...... Go home! You're drunk.'

---

 Tommy Cooper Jokes 

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married

The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

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Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

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"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "

"No, because he's really heavy"

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"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."

"Well you can't say fairer than that then"

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Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

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So I went to the dentist.

He said "Say Aaah."

I said "Why?"

He said "My dog's died."
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?'

And a voice said "You are."
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So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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So I rang up a local building firm,
I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'

He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them.

It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

But I think it's Colin.

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So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he
said 'You've been promoted.'

And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.'

And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'

And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said

'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.'

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Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.

I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me
'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give
me a lift?"

I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other

"Does this taste funny to you?"

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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

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You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'

So that was nice.

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A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a long time"
The man replied, "I know I've been ill"

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A man walked into the doctors,
he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"

The doctor said, "well don't go to those places"

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I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.

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Phone answering machine message -

"...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key..."

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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

A strong currant pulled him in.

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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.

They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all
that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.
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Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."

The other one says "So are you, you fat slob!"

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'
Paddy replies 'I don't know! It's your f***ing plane!!'
 
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'
 
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spread-eagled & says 'You know what I want don't you?'
'Yeah,' says Paddy 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!' 

Q. What's a Catholic priest & a pint of Guinness got in common?
A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!
 
Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

  Paddy's chat up lines:
  1. Did ya fart 'Cos ya just blew me away!
  2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
  3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just can't hold it in!
  4. Is there a mirror in your knickers 'Cos I can see myself in them'
  5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Ever time I think of you my nuts tighten up!
  6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!

Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbour's dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' &am p; storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'
Paddy replies 'I've put the dog in our garden, let's see how they like it!'
 
An Irishman is fornicating with a Jewish girl & says 'You're not very tight for a Jew!'
She says 'Well you're not very thick for a Paddy!' 

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didn't even know they had mobile phones!'

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'
Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!' 

Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say, 'Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!'
Paddy says 'What's his name?'
Mick replies 'Miles from London!' 

An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past & stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'It's thick c**ts like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick the f**k out of you if I could swim!'

Paddy Gets Drunk 

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not Be drinking anymore tonight'.

Paddy. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then.' Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'Shoite, Shoite!' He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and Shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep Breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. 'Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'.

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed.' He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?'.
Paddy says, 'I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'

'Mick phoned . . .you left your wheelchair at the pub.'

The Tiny Pianist.

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!
'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub it.'

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish. Just ! One wish~~ each person is only allowed one!'

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!' A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.'

'Tell me about it!' says the man,
'Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?'

Bill's birthday

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by it feeding to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp House, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees.He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says 'What's the food like here?'

The other lion says:
'Absolutely brilliant - today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees'

ALL PUNS INTENDED

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?'

7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' 'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.' 'Is it common?' Well, 'It's Not Unusual.'

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,  'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!'

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
'But why,' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,'They're twins!  If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .....
... A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did.

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that is was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she openedthe door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.

'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?' the widow said.
'Just look at you! You have no legs!'

The old gentleman smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

'You don't have any arms either!' she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed??'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, 'I rang the doorbell, didn't I?'


The wedding is scheduled for Saturday...

---

GOTTA LOVE LITTLE BOYS Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?' 'Eight,' the boy replied. The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'

The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they're not for me.  They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one.'  

---

Does your child want these stylish three dots on his or her nose?
Press here to see how it's done!

---

JOKES ONLY UNDERSTOOD BY SCOTS

A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says:
'Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken.'
'Okay,' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing fae?'
'Fae ma knickers right doon tae ma feet.'

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
'Comfy?'asks the dentist.
'Govan,' she replies.

A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of antlers?'
'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter.
'That's affa dear,' says the guy.

Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
He's awa' noo.

A man was cupping his hand to drink from a Highland burn,
The local gamekeeper shouted..."Here min,dinnae drink thon water, it's foo o' coo sh*t 'n' pish"
The man replied, " Can you repeat that my good fellow, I'm English."
The gamekeeper shouted back..................... "I said use both hands, ye'll get more that way."

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt.
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress.'

Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq? Coo eight.
 
A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box.
So he calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice:
'Is there money in the box?'
'Naw, it's just me,' he replies.

While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband: '
Do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'
And he says: 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.'

What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy?
Hawkeye The Noo.

What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu.

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just Juan.

A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.
'No,' argues the assistant,
'look at the label - it says Taiwan .'

What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer?
The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey, you, get off of my cloud.'
And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe.'

Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue forthe toilets at Waverley Station?
It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.

While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:
'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?',
'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says.
'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?'
'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.

A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car!
'What's up Jimmy?' he asks.
'Piston broke,' he replies.
Aye, same as masel.

Did You Know? 

The Erectus Trouserius or the trouser snake is the world's most dangerous snake. Colour varies from pink to black. It is fangless and it's average length is 5-9 inches depending on subspecies.
Usually appears in bedroom's, but found in unusual places at times. It attacks women in lower part of the abdominal area and its highly venomous spit can cause prolonged swelling lasting 9 months.
IT ALSO HAS BEEN KNOWN TO ATTACK MEN FROM BEHIND!

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be £9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount. 

For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Yep! Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be £32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the table. 

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your pocket every time?" 

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a couple of million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" 
"That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. 

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?" 

The man sighs, pauses, and replies, "My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say!" 

Honeymoon

A young couple left the church and  arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their  honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your  feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. "I had tolio as a child," he  answered. "You mean polio?" she asked. "No, tolio. The disease only affected  my toes."

When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked "What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!" "As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained. "You mean measles?" she asked.  "No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear. "Don't tell  me," she said. "Let me guess... Smallcox?"

Never Lie to a Woman

A man called home to his wife and said, ' Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends.

We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up'

'Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. '

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, 'Yes! We caught a few Salmon, Bluegill and a Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?'

The wife replied, 'I did. They're in your fishing box ...'

Never Lie To A Woman...!!!  

 John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!' That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night'. She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?
John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize last night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years.... Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.

He did and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.

'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.

'I did,' he said, 'She told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.

A woman sitting in a Scottish restaurant suddenly began to cough and after a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress. Two locals, Tam and Mick, who were sitting at the next table, turned to look at her.

"Kin yi swallow?" asked Tam.

The woman signaled 'No!' desperately shaking her head.

"Kin yi breathe?" asked Mick.

The woman shook her head 'No!!!'

With that, Tam walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her bum. This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Tam swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Mick said in admiration "Yi know Tam, I'd heard of that bloody Hind-Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it!

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."

St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate.

"St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."

St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.

When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it....

Paddy says "Murphy mi feet are freezin, would ya run up stairs an  fetch mi slippers?"

"No bother" Murphy says and runs upstairs.

There are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their beds.

"Hello girls, yer dad's sent me up here t'shag yer both."

"F*ck off yer liar." They said.

"I'll prove it" says Murphy, so he shouts down stairs "Both of em Pat?"

"Of course" Pat shouts back, "what's the point of f*cking one?"

A priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."

The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."

"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly.

The priest promised to do better and the round continued. On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.

Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "Shit, I missed."

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.

And from the sky comes a booming voice ......

"Shit, I missed."

    I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....

    Scared the shit out of me.

    So that's it!

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of pounds for some food.

I got out my purse and took a ten pound note out and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of food?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this in a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman, 'I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.' 

Submitted by; Maria Connelly

The only soap that will make

you feel even dirtier!!

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It read:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination, so he drives on without second thought. Soon he sees another sign which says:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real....Then he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well my son. Please follow me."

The man is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large, wooden door at the end of thishallway."

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

Steve and Fiona were making passionate love in Steve's VW Van when suddenly
Fiona, being a bit on the kinky side, yelled out "Oh fatboy, whip me, whip me!"

Steve, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opened the window, snapped the antenna off his van and proceeded to whip Fiona until they both collapsed in sado-masochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, Fiona noticed that the marks left by the whipping session were starting to fester a bit so she went to the doctor. The doctor took one look at the wounds and asked, "Did you get these marks having kinky sex??"

Fiona, embarrassed to own up to having kinky sex, eventually admitted that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor said, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring it's the worst case of van aerial disease I've ever seen...."

The Golfer and the Dentist

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.

The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it."

"We have a 10:00 am tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."

So the dentist ask him, "Which tooth is it sir?

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth honey, and show him."

Some jokes for the ladies

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma "
And they say blondes are dumb...
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A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
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"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour
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A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary.
On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy
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Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him;
And patience or his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for
Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
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Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
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Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
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A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a Woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat, which sank the same day that John's wife died. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John.

"I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible."

"Hell, no! In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle."

The old lady fainted

Saturday Night Bath
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's
nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, 'I've been saved.'
'Saved? And how did that come about?' asked the old nun.

'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.'

'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene continued, 'And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fits my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.'

'Is that a fact?' said the old nun even more evenly.

'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.'

'That wicked old bastard' said the old nun. 'He told me it was
Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years'.